Jokes

Paddy staggered home very late and very drunk. He took off his shoes to avoid waking the wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his backside. A Guinness bottle in a back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to scream out loud, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see what damage he'd done.

Bleeding from several cuts, he somehow managed to find a first aid kit and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and stumbled his way into bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and bottom and his wife staring daggers at him from across the room.

She says, "So, you were staggering drunk last night Paddy, weren't you now?

Says Paddy, "Now why would you say such a thing?"

"Well," she says, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly....... it's all the Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me

And there you are,

sitting on your ass,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice

A guy phones up his boss' house, but gets the boss' wife instead. He asks to speak to her husband.

"I'm afraid he died earlier today," she says.

The next day, the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you," the wife replies, "he died yesterday."

The next day, he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time, the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I've already told you twice that he died. Why do you keep calling?"

"Because," he replies, laughing, "I just love hearing it!"

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

> Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
> bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and
> begins to talk.
>
> Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
>
> MAN: "Hello"
>
> WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
>
> MAN: "Yes"
>
> WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
> It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
>
> MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
>
> WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006
>
> models. I saw one I really liked"
>
> MAN: "How much?"
>
> WOMAN: "$90,000"
>
> MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
>
> WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The ho use I wanted last
> year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
>
> MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They
> will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If
> it's really a pretty good price."
>
> WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
>
> MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
>
> The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him
> in astonishment, mouths agape.....
>
> He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?.

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?" The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find No Trespassing, signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I've hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."

The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I'll make you a deal. We've got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we've grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I'll let you hunt on my property."

Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won't let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I'm going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!

Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Lets get the hell out of here!"

Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but
didn't like each other much.

In 1989, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade
cold and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it.

So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the
window ledge the longest with a bare ass.

After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob,
"What are you doing?" Bob explained and she said,
"Come on, you will only freeze your ass off."

Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.

Then his wife got an idea. "Lets change places when Joe
is looking the other way."

Bob's Wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and
traded places with Bob.

Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him,
"What are you doing?" Joe told her and said, "I am
determined to win the bottle!"

"You are crazy. Come on in."

"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side.
Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"

A young man was in the hospital, when a pretty nurse came into his room. "Are my testicles black?" he asked the young women. "Sir, I'm only here to take your blood pressure." "Are my testicles black?" So the nurse lifts up his gown and moves some things around, puts the gown back down and says, "No sir, they are fine."

The man takes off his oxygen mask and says "Lady, that sure was nice, but I wanted to know if my test results were back!"

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes. Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool. At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters. By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?" The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had." NOTE: Jokes are meant for people with a sense of humor. Some jokes are dirty, some are racist, some are sexist. If you can't take a joke, don't read them!

If I had a million dollars A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "How about I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I think I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Yes!!! Definitely! " The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two millions bucks. But in reality, we are just living with two sluts..."

A husband had always been disdainful of people who, in his estimation, talked too much. He proudly told his wife that he'd recently heard that men use 2200 words a day, while women use more than 4400 words a day. His wife pondered his comments for a moment, and then concluded, "That's because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands." The husband looked up and asked, "Come again?"

A retired docter died, and went to the line for pearly gates of heaven.

A docter pulled up in a limo painted in diamonds, and walked straight throught the gates. Again and again this happend, and our docter was getting quite mad and walked up to the desk manager (I forget the religious guys name) and asked "Hey, who do you think you are by letting that man in before me, even though I was here before him?"

"Oh, see that's God, he likes to play docter."


(Some people might actually get this joke)

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

Joe was in line at the supermarket yesterday when he noticed a rather dishy blonde in another check-out line. Their eyes met; she raised her hand to wave, and smiled at him.

Joe was rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving, and although she looked familiar he couldn't place where he might know her from.

As luck would have it, he saw her a few minutes later in the parking lot as she was unloading her groceries, so he approached her and said, "Sorry,do you know me?"

She replied, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children."

Joe was rather panicked as his mind shot back to his one and only sexual indiscretion.

"Ohh ****!!!" he exclaimed (too loudly), "Are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No," she replied, "I'm your son's English teacher."

What did the fish say when he ran into the concrete wall?

Dam!

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Don't eat the snow where the huskies go!
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion!
Man that is stuck in pantry has his ass in jam.
Man standing on toilet is high on pot.
Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on top of desk
Man who stick foot in mouth get athlete's tongue!
Man who live in glass house should not throw parties!
Man that go to bed with itchy butt wake up with sticky fingers!
When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt.
"Man with glass house must dress in basement!"
Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don't have film!
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Don't drink and park, accidents cause people.

Confucius say too damn much.

π(Pi = 3.14) r 2, no pie are round.
del *.* = Ultimate disk compression
Life in a vacuum sucks
As I said before I do not repeat myself.
Nobody is perfect, I am a nobody, therefore I am perfect.
Girl laid in tomb may become mummy.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Strip mining prevents forest fires
There are 3 kinds of people in this world...those who want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the hell happened!

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2005:


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

[ That'll stop 'em. ]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!! ]


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing lazy so-and-sos!]



Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]


War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]



If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]



Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges !
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]


Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger
Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]


Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (Maybe even a chuckle).

We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling

I have a bunch of taglines for you guys.

Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
Don't play stupid with me, I'm better at it.
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing.
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray...
Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig enjoys it.
The trouble with life is that you're half-way through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing
This website may not be idiot proof, but at least it's dimwit resistant
Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes!
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
Confusion: A hungry baby in a topless bar.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back!
Of course I'm in shape. Isn't Round a shape?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one."

The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; why are they temperamental; why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The FBI was taping all conversations at the hospital, and this conversation took place when the agent in charge called a nearby pizza delivery service to order.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so. Click.

Fucking awsome

A guy and his son are walking down the feminine needs aisle at the grocery store, because mommy needs tampons.

The son sees the condoms and asks, "Daddy, Daddy!!! What are those for?"

The father replies, "Son, those are what people use to have safe sex."

The boy goes over to the shelf and picks up a two pack of condoms and asks, "Daddy, Daddy! Who uses these?"

"Son, those are for high school boys. One for Friday and one for Saturday."

The son picks up a four pack and asks, "Daddy, Daddy!! Who uses these?"

"Son, those are for college boys. Two for Friday and two for Saturday."

The son picks up a twelve pack and asks, "DADDY, DADDY!!! Who uses these?"

"Well son, those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March, one for April..."